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Trigger warning: suicide, abuse, mental health conditions
Dr Bex O’Gorman has dedicated more than a decade of her professional and personal life to preventing deaths by suicide. As a Dependency & Recovery Navigator for Ingeus Justice services in West Yorkshire she advises her colleagues and those we work with in probation services on what to look for and what to say to people who may be having suicidal thoughts. Bex has a long history in suicide prevention services and on World Suicide Prevention Day you can read her answers to common questions about suicide and how to help.
People might consider suicide for a variety of deeply personal and complex reasons. These are some of them:
When you're concerned about someone, it's important to look out for any noticeable changes in their usual behaviour or attitude. They might begin putting their affairs in order, which can be a subtle sign. Another is if they avoid or refuse to engage in any conversations about the future.
Pay close attention to what they say. Phrases like “I didn’t want to wake up this morning” or “People would be better off if I wasn’t here” can indicate serious emotional distress and should never be ignored.If someone who usually shows up regularly—whether it’s at the pub, a sports team, or another routine activity—suddenly stops attending or becomes unreachable, it’s important to check in to see how they’re doing.
People tend to think someone considering suicide will always be displaying negative emotions, but this isn’t always the case. Be aware that if suddenly they seem happy and settled, it may be because they have found peace once they have made the decision to end their life.
Try to listen with empathy and without judgement. Don’t dismiss their thoughts or feelings. Encourage them but don’t force them to speak.
Another method is to ask them to focus on what they would miss from life and, if you can, stay with them. It can feel quite uncomfortable but it’s important to be absolutely clear: if you think somebody is struggling don’t be afraid to say: ‘Are you thinking about ending your life?’ Not dancing around the subject might be what that person has been waiting for. Everybody is frightened of getting the answer ‘Yes’ but then you need to assess the risk and try to find out if that is going to be acted on.
Ask if they have a plan to end their life: when they are going to do it, how and where. If they do, you need to think about how to interrupt that plan and who needs to be involved: somebody they live with or another member of their family or a support worker. In this scenario safeguarding the person by contacting someone who can help overrides confidentiality.
You should efer them to any of the national suicide prevention services. A good place to start is the NHS 111 service: option 2 is the mental health crisis line.
Signpost other support such as:
People seriously considering suicide often cannot see that any skill or character trait they possess is worth anything. Saying something positive about aspects of their life or personality can show they are valued. For instance, let them know if you consider they show kindness to people or are a good parent. Even something like complimenting them on their clothes can help.
If they refuse to engage and you judge they are going to take their own life be clear to them that you have a duty of care to inform the emergency services, even if it ruins the trust you have built up between you.
A suicide intervention is just an interruption to a plan and is not necessarily going to keep them from harm long term. Don’t be down on yourself. You have made the effort – sometimes just having somebody to listen can be the catalyst for turning somebody away from suicide – but it is not your responsibility to save that person’s life.
Suicide may be a difficult subject to deal with, but we can’t just not talk about it. The more we talk, the more we can destigmatise it and that will help save lives and make it a little easier for those left behind.
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